Fallen Angel

Goodnight everyone,

I bet you weren't expecting me to update tonight did you??? Well, it seems tonight works out well for an update for 2 reasons - my anger is boiling and I'm incapable of seeing beyond the red; as well as I have an assignment due tomorrow and procrastination has always been my best friend *Grins widely*.

*Sighs* ... I actually should get to work you know, I just - my family annoys me. It seems, that just as I managed to fix one relationship, three more go straight to hell. The only difference this time, is whereas before I lay broken and silently waited it through till I could pick myself up again... this time - I don't care. Or rather - I do care, if I didn't, I wouldn't be burning with anger and hurt... but this time, I'll leave those around me to deal with the consequences. It hurts me to say that... even as I wrote it, I felt my heart sink further... but this is the way people wish it to be.

I'm tired of it all. I've written it over and over and over again... but you know, I don't think I fully realized the extent to which I'm tired of this drama and bullshit. Is it so much for my family to just be together and hang out??? Am I the only one who wants this? I can't be... *Bites lip* I want to cry, I want to sit down and cry but I don't have it in me. Its not because I've hardened my heart; contrary to popular belief, I'm not a robot or ice queen. I simply do not have it in me. All my life I have put others before me, I have set them first and did whatever I could to protect them, help them, anything they desired I tried my damn hardest to get for them. I truly did.

And yes, we've had our fights and arguments. But here's the thing, I never felt horrible about letting it slide by and just - kept on living my life. I suppose I've been awfully vague about all of this, huh? Let me elaborate a little bit; my brother and I are not on very good terms. He and my mother aren't talking, and to be perfectly honest, I agree with her wholeheartedly. I found out some information that I wasn't supposed to; information that my brother failed to tell me. No no, he didn't want to tell me. He still doesn't want to tell me. Instead, he will tell everyone else. But the funny, ironic thing in all of this - and I wish I could laugh bitterly about this cause it's just classic - is that everyone else that he told, won't be able to help him in the end with my mother.

I've done everything for my brother, and even given up things that should've been mine. But the one time where he probably does need to talk to me about things, he decides that he won't. I can't describe how much that hurts. I can't begin to fully feel it. And where I thought I would always pull through for him, no matter how harsh the matter may be - I find that a woman scorned is indeed the worst wrath a person could encounter. It's been my fault he's grown accostumed to doing whatever he pleases without thinking about anyone else, I let him get away with it when he shouldn't have. But I can't do it anymore.

Some part of me is laughing cruelly at all of this. I'm laughing at my mother, who deserves every bit of pain that she's going through for neglecting me and loving him. I'm laughing at my brother whos' finally feeling my mother's anger, and won't be able to get through it easily - or at least as easily if I were on his side. I'm laughing cause my brother is too blind to have realized that I would've sold my soul for his happiness. I laugh at my brother who confides in someone who shares his secrets to others around him without my brother knowing. Oh yes, I laugh quite bitterly about it all.

And now I will sit back, and watch how it all unfolds. They set up this barrier between us and them. I don't know what it is about me that people don't like, or don't find me worthy enough ... but I refuse to put up with it. I might hurt me but it has to stop. I'm not going to help him out this time, I'm not going to come in and rescue him, or help take the blame. This is all on him. He can do it on his own, or get the others he confided in to help him with it. I won't be part of this.

I think I've endured enough pain from those I love in the past 22 years of my life. I think its time I start focusing a bit on healing me. I think its time for me to stop taking the blame, or apologizing for half the things that aren't my fault. I think its time I start trying to be happy, and think about me. Its selfish, but its true. I think its about time.

Yes, I am back... again...

However, this entry is so much more optimistic than my last - not to say that my last entry was by any means pessimistic. My last entry was just tiring, and left me slightly frustrated. You don't know how awful it is to want to study something and get it done - but not being able to have the stamina or encouragement or simply lack of headache to do it. I find it absolutely impossible to read 30-40 pages of articles online... its ridiculous, my head cant take it and its definitely not good for my eyes. Not that my eyes could get any worse by now....

In any case, after coming to the conclusion that I won't be able to get anything done in terms of my class involving these stupid articles, I decided to figure out a way in which I can.  So I copied and pasted the articles onto MWord, played around with the font and the page settings till instead of 30-40, I had less than 10 pages per article. All I have to do is print it off and get ready to read them. So much better for me, and it lessened my headache immensely. I then took to typing out my notes, which I haven't gotten around to - but had been meaning to for the longest time.

I got a call from Charles, which was nice. He kept me company while I struggled to get my head to stop aching. He's fun, he and Joe are taking me out for sushi at some point in time... I think Wednesday night. It'll be so awesome to get out and do something that's not school related... I can't wait! But yes, he kept me company up until his train came and we couldn't hear each other anymore. After that, I decided to get back to work...changing around the articles on Word took a lot longer than I originally thought.

When I finished, I started on my notes... I didn't get very far because Anita showed up and well, I love my little Anita. We got some coffee, I was in desperate need of more (I finished my latte way too quickly for my liking) and settled for another one. We chatted for a bit, but then went our separate ways; she has stuff to do - as do I. I ended up getting a significiant amount of work done in that time since... so I'm rather proud of myself :D yay!

I have to leave for my Modern Ireland class, though I thought I should update before I leave though on my proud success of having completed something. Though orinigally its not what I wanted to get done, I at least made improvements that will allow me to get it done quicker later tonight instead of sitting here with a pounding headache. Plus... I got my notes done! Yay for me!

I think its the sugar from my coffee... I'm not going to complain though, my head is all mushy and I'm about to have a 2 hour lecture about Modern Ireland. And though I do love my prof's accent - history has become something that puts me to sleep, not keep me entertained and interested. Funny how that turned out, huh? *Sighs* I miss my English classes, I loved to read and analyze those books and write my essays on them. But nope, history's nothing like that and I'm dying. Slowly, day by day...

Okie dokie, off to class I go. Luckily I managed to get in 3 entries today, hopefully it'll make up for the next 3 weeks... later days!

You know,

there used to be a time where I could work quite efficiently for hours on end without stopping. Most of the time, granted, it was never at home - way too many interruptions at home but hey, nonetheless I got the work done. It seems, over my past 4 working into 5 years here, my study habits and abilities have only managed to decrease over time. How unfortunate is that. I think it might be with the fact that I've grown not only lazy, but overly confident in my ability to do well without the whole preparation part.

I've been here since 8AM and in that time I've managed to get absolutely nothing accomplished. Yes I may have researched a bit for my Holocaust essay, and yes I may have ordered some books from the library... but other than that - it seems I am incapable of actually getting anything done. I came here this morning with the specific intent of actually working on HIS283H5, getting my stupidly boring assignment done. But I cannot read articles like that off the computer, I feel like my head is going to explode. Explodeeee.

I've managed to get it on word and rearrange it, so I can print if off in few pages than necessary. However, though I am skimming through it while I fix it, this is quite the dreadful job. This wasn't the way I planned on studying today... but then again, I didn't exactly plan on this cold as well as this pounding headache and soft null of sleep calling to me either. So... after a few hours of me trying and not succeeding... my next brilliant step is this - what am I going to do for the remaining 3??? Or rather 2 and half before Ireland.

Should I still attempt to try and finish this? Or move onto a different subject? Or perhaps just give up altogether and wander around with people? Though I do find myself leaning towards the latter, I have a feeling I'm going to be stuck with the first option. So, wish me luck that I can actually get through it all. Later days

Greetings yet again everyone...

I know its been about a couple weeks since my last update, and I know you get tired of hearing that I've been busy - but that's been the truth. I've finally gotten the time now, at this ungodly time in the morning, to write this entry to update you on my oh so busy life.

For starters, I'm recovering from a very horrible cold. I got sick last Thursday I believe; on Wednesday I went to class and afterwards I didn't do much. My mom, Stephen and I went to Party Packagers looking for makeup for Stephen's costume, he was absolutely adamant on being Joker this halloween (which he was, and which he pulled off very nicely). After getting his stuff, we came home and I made my way over to Sean's; I've been wanting to hang out with him for a while and I've had plans to watch the Pianist for my Holocaust class too. So we did that, we hung out with his family and discussed the US presidential election amongst other things. Then we got some food, and we settled down to watch the Pianist - which by the way, was an amazing movie. We got through that, and about a quarter of Sophie's Choice (another great movie which everyone should watch at some point in time) before I got tired and called it a night. I woke up Thursday morning with a really bad headache and a cold. Not much fun.

And I've been suffering from it ever since... though I think I've gotten much better. I woke up today with only a stuffy nose so hopefully by tomorrow I'll be all cured and stuff. I slept this entireeee weekend, didn't do anything. I came home from work and took my cold medicine and proceeded to pass out promptly. It was wonderful sleep, probably the best I've had in a while, but then I'd wake up and feel even more horrible than before.

Now, you're probably wondering what on earth I'm doing updating at 8am... well, truth be told I travel in the mornings to school, so I'm usually here minutes  before 8. I usually don't mind, but seeing as to how I'm not feeling well... having to wake up today and deal with this cold and be here in this stupid library - its not settling right. I'm very tempted to just take the bus to Sean's place and pass out there for a while. Speaking of Sean, I wonder what he's up to. He called me after he finished work last night, but I was too tired to actually stay on the phone and talk with him. Hmm... I wonder if Starbucks is open yet... I think I saw people go in... I might have to make a trip over there sometime soon.

Hmm... what else has been going on in my life. I've been doing a lot of a family stuff; its weird, I don't remember hanging out with my family this often since - before Rishi and Andy left for Trinidad in '94. I'm not complaining though, I enjoy every minute of it. Granted, I do have issues with certain people - but whatever, no point in trying to bring them up or remain caught up in it. I think its because a lot of our birthdays are in September, October and November (Mom, Andy, Stephen, Ren, Rishi, me, Uncle Bob, Uncle Jonny) ... thats 3/4 of our family right there! In any case, I love it... the only person missing from our random hanging out is Rishi... I guess married life requires different obligations and what not. I'm not so sure how much I'd like being married but that's a whole different story altogether.

Halloween was fun. I was sick as a dog, but I took a lot of medication to get through the night  - much like for my prom! I was batgirl, loads of fun dressing up. My brother and I went to see our little cousins, we had made them little Halloween snack bags and wanted to see them in their costumes. It was great; our niece Vanessa was terrified of my brother... like I said, he did a brilliant job as Joker.

Andddddddd.... I just realized there are way too many people here. I guess nobody else has anything better to do than to be at the library either. Oh look at all of us smart people studying away our lives... well - at least they are. I'm just kinda here, waiting for my brain to start functioning again. *Sighs* I do think its time for my coffee... I need to get started on my assignment... its due tomorrow but I hate these assignments. God, English courses were just so much easier!

Ookay okay, I'm off! Hopefully it won't be another 3-4 weeks before I update again. Cross your fingers and wish me luck! Later days!

Greetings again!

Okay, so I know I promised I'd update again tonight, but as it turns out, my mother was too impatient to wait till I had finished showered to do her hair - so she did it herself. I swear, she gets so worked up like we don't do anything for her *rolls eyes* its getting to be a bit childish and I don't quite want to deal with it. I have more than enough occupying my mind, and I don't want this to be another on the list.

Now, where was I? Oh right... my 5 week vacation in Europe. Meeting up with the girls were great, they're very strong and opinionated - and well... they're just amazing, it was great being in their presence again. Ana and Abel were wonderful, I absolutely loved being in their house. I was outside all the time, we walked everywhere, ate everything - and of course their little puppy Ruka. But the entire atmosphere was wonderful, and I found myself becoming an entirely different person there - one that wasn't afraid of opinions and what people thought of me. Self conscious as I may be, there it was just a different world, one where confidence was required and well, if you don't like yourself - then how the hell are you living your life? 

I mean, yes, we all have confidence in ourselves, but I've always been self conscious. And I still am to a certain extent, but that's the whole thing. People aren't going to like you, that much I know. But the whole thing I worry about is the people I know and love - what if they find I'm more annoying than I am likeable? But what I've come to realize is - I like me for who I am. I may not be the smartest, or the funniest, or greatest entertainment or whatever - but I'm still me. And if people can't accept me as me, then whatever man, I only have a million others who do. But yes, enough on one of the many self reflections I had while in Europe. Truth is, I came back from Europe very, very mean. And I kinda like it.

In any case, another major big thing that happened was my 3 years with Sean. Yup ladies and gents, 3 years with the boyfriend known as Sean David Over. Regretfully, every time we managed to celebrate each year that we've been together it hasnt' exactly gone the way we had planned. Our first year got cut really short which resulted in a eruption of sorts, our second year was spent with friends and no real me-him time to reflect on our horribly wonderful year together, and our third year was with me being millions of miles away in the land of handsome men. Ahahahaha okay okay enough of the overdramatics, though Europe's men are definitely nice on the eyes. Sean was incredibly understanding about the whole thing, me being away for our three years. We did try to talk online as much as we could, the 5 hour time difference didn't quite help, but it was still managed to work out nonetheless.

Actually, while I'm on the topic - Sean and I are good. We went through a rough time over the summer, lots of arguments and well, I tihnk I was quite fed up with the way things were going in terms of our future  - I think in all honesty he was too. We talked and talked about it, tried to decide if we might be better without each other and in the end, we decided to stick through it all. I mean, we both went through a whole lot before, and I think since we're both trying really hard, there's no point in quitting just yet. Besides, who understands me more than Sean? Its funny, cause I thought, once upon a time, I'd only been able to fall apart around certain people. And after being burnt by them - I'd never be able to again... too much pride, too much hurt might be involved in giving myself away like that... but alas, since when has Sean fit into the regular category with everyone else?

Moving on! Enough about my love life - oh good God I have a love life *laughing* it still amuses me. Anyway, moving onward! Leaving Europe was a sad thing, and I don't know when I'm going to be seeing them again... hopefully sooner rather than later. Hopefully! We came back on the first of July, and on the second we headed back to the airport to get both my grandmas from Trinidad, and my cousin and her family.

Now - this might be confusing. My cousin in Barrie, Mun - her brother is Bobby (who is living with us), and its their sister who came to visit us (Nanda). Mun's husband (Vick) is married to Mun's sister Nanda (Anand). I know, too much family, too much confusion, blah blah blah blah. In any case, they arrived here with their little kids, Darian and Markie whom I both love and adore! Though, they did get me seriously ticked off when they fought - cause they are dangerous when they're fighting. I thought at some point they'd break each other's neck - I was terrified. In any case, they were there for 6 weeks and we had so much fun with them here.

*Sighs* So, coming back from a 5 week vacation and then being thrown into a different one of some sorts for another 6 weeks, all the while working and trying to get a dress for the wedding plus trying to help out with the wedding as much as possible - it was a very busy time for me. Plus, with the way things were going with me and Sean - not always a good time. In the end though, everything worked out wonderfully. I had such an awesome time.

Now the wedding. I would be lying if I said I had the most amazing time of my life, but I would also be lying if I said was completely and utterly miserable. The wedding itself was wonderful, but personally I was really really upset. Rishi, whom I've always considered to be my big brother, was getting married and I couldn't help but feel completely unimportant in the event - not being included in anything. I wasn't part of the bridal party, I wasn't there for any of the pictures - Stephen and Andy were (Andy of course the best man, and Stephen the groomsman) were part of the wedding completely. I, however, was not, and it hurt more than I had actually registered.

Especially on the day of the wedding, where I was determined to make sure that everything went perfect for Rishi. Any problem I had, I reasoned I'd deal with it later - and in any case, this day wasn't about me. It was about my brother and his (at the time soon to be) wife. So, with me not being able to get into the limo with the rest of them, to not being able to even sit with my family during the actual ceremony, to me stumbling up the front to say the most horrible scripture verse that had absolutely nothing to do with love or weddings or uniting two people - I ddi ti all with a smile on my face. 

Even when the rest of the bridal party got into the limo and drove off to take their pictures - I was entertaining everyone else. Sean was there holding my hand occassionally telling me to breathe before I turned into the devil himself and torched everyone. Feeling scorned for not being part of the whole 'family' wedding, I changed into my scandelous dress and made my way to the reception. Rishi had put me in charge of seating everyone and handing out the little gifts - Ren also had her cousins do it too. So Ren's cousin did the seating, while I made sure everyone signed the guest book and got a gift.

Now, about 15-20 minutes before the actual ceremony started, Ren's cousins got up and left saying they'd be back. They never returned. So when the reception started, and the parents went out into the hall, the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the bride and groom went out - I was still outside. I couldn't very well leave the box there with all their gifts, they only accepted money (which I agree with personally) just so I could go in and watch. I missed when they were introduced, I missed when they cut the cake, I missed when they had their first dance. Sean had arrived shortly after, and I asked him to get me a drink. And the drinks kept on coming after that.

When I heard Rishi and his mom were going to dance, I asked Sean to look after the box and made my way to see it - determined I would not miss it regardless of what else was happening or what else I would miss. Besides, I had had wayyyy too much to drink, I'm pretty sure if I weren't convinced I'd walk out there with my head held high I might've wobbled out. I saw them dance, and I felt everything in me just crumble because it was the most precious thing in the world. All the tears I had been holding back came out and I didn't care. I think I might've exchanged a look with Rishi when he looked up momentarily, but I was so consumed in my teary happiness I'm not sure.

After that, after all the tears we all had shed, I went back to table out front, but alas, Sean said they had take the box wit them - so I was relieved of that duty. Though I was thoroughly upset throughout the rest of the wedding, I kept drinking and drinking and well, it might not have been the smartest idea. Especially when it came time for the speeches - I cried when Andy made his speech, and when it was time for me and Stephen to go up - I was absolutely shaking in fear and had no idea what I was going to say.

Originally thinking I'd write out something - I never did. Thinking I'd get a poem to express the bond between a brother and a sister - I never got around to finding out that fits. And so I improvised, and it was horrible. Between my drunken slurs, I managed to sound conceited and make a mess of things. In the end, I bawled and had to pause twice to stop my voice from shaking. Funny thing was, I felt like I couldn't stop talking even though I knew I probably should've given up a long, long time ago. My brother's speech was anything but heartfelt *laughing* he made it his own, and everyone loved it. Like they naturally would.

In any case, I barely saw Rishi after that. I had false hopes that he would come find me, give me a hug - but that's not the way it went. Stephen was plastered, he passed out halfway through and started throwing up by the time we were leaving. I had Bobby guarding me like some sort of dog which annoyed me but alas what could I do. Disappointed by the way the day had turned out, I feel asleep crying. Not exactly the way I imagined the day going.
But whatever, it all worked out in the end I supposed, it'll definitely be a wedding I won't forget.

Oh - damn it, I lost track of time... I gotta get going - I have to do a few things at work before I can actually start work. *Sighs* Well - no guarantees of me updating soon again, but I'll try my very best to try. I do hope you're pleased with this entry though. I tried my hardest to bare my feelings, not hold back - because I felt at the very best I owe you that much. Besides, how else am I supposed to let people see me if I'm that guarded? :) Later days

I don't know if I should start with the grovelling, or perhaps the promise of new exciting stories of my life since May??? *Bites lip* ... I'm so terribly sorry, I know that I've written that a million times before and well... and well, nothing I can say will make any difference. So long as you know that I truly am sorry for not updating in the past couple months, and that I'm going to share all my stories - that's really all I can do... and hope that you have the patience to listen to them all. Though, I guarantee you that I won't be able to tell you all of my stories in this one entry, that in perhaps in the next few random stories about my summer will emerge - you'll at least know where I'm coming from.

Good God, that was a confusing paragraph. Can you tell tis been a while since I've written anything??? So please, don't think I've only just neglected LJ, I haven't written in forever, mostly due to my lack of time and sleep and utter business in my life. Now... I haven't had the time to go and reread my last few entries, I've been really caught up in trying to post an entry. I figure the more used I get to posting entries, the more I'll be able to find time to do it - and not think that its okay to miss out on a few entries. Its like my exercises - I used to do them at the beginning of the year - my new years resolution that fell to pieces *rolls eyes*. I used to wake up at 5:30 every morning and do stretches and stuff, and I felt great afterwards, but time  became an issue with school and the less I kept doing them, well, *shrugs* I just eventually stopped. Which is the case with most things.

In any case, the last  entry that I wrote was very long - as per any entry that I write.  Unfortunately, it was just another regular day in the life of Candice Seepersad, however I did hope I had written something more. However, guessing that all of the excitment hadn't started yet... and I guess at that point I didn't expect any either. That was the last time I had written I believe, and my gosh, let me tell you, I'm gonna start writing a book called "The Adventures and Life of One Chaotic Chick" ... okay maybe not 'one chaotic chick", maybe more "Candice Seepersad" ... that sounds more pausible, huh? *Sighs* God... where to begin!

So many things happened in May. First of all, I went to Europe... I'm not sure if I wrote about it (though I might've cuase it was pretty big) ...  Okay okay, so back when we used to live downtown, my family rented the basement of this Portuguese family, Ana and Abel and their three children, Luisa, Helena and Isabel. NOw, they used to take care of me and my brother while my parents were at work; Luisa was my best friend in those days. I don't remember the day the girls left - but I do remember all the moments before it and after it. In any case, the entire family moved back to Portugal and we lost contact with them for 13 years. Yes, 13 years. My brother did some massive searching online and this summer, he found them. We called, we talked, we had an amazing time - and then, doing the most reckless and spontaneous thing we've ever done - me and my brother left for Portugal within a matter of a month. We left on May 25th and didn't come back till July 1st.

Yes folks, we were in Europe for 5 weeks... and my God, it was absolutely incredibly. In many ways, Portugal reminded me so much of Trinidad - I got such strong feelings of homesickness for Trinidad when I was there - wishing I could go back and just chill out on the hammock with my family. But I had a crazy time - never before had I had so much to drink in a span of 5 weeks. Me and my brother came back never wanting to try wine ever again *laughing*... my brother hates wine with a passion, I developed a taste for it - but nothing beats their beer. The beer there is soooo light, it tastes amazing! And their alochol there is so affordable -  I love it. And being the brown people that we are, we hid 7 bottles of wine in our suitcases on our way back.

Hmmm... I know I'm making this a condensed version of what happened, but I'm pressed for time and I at least want to give an outline of everything that occured over the past little while.

...

Perhaps I had spoken those words too soon... My mother requires me to drop everything it is that I'm doing to go do her hair. I love how she thinks I have nothing but time on my hands. Ah, typical mommy and her need to have everything done her way all the time. Alright, so my promise is to somehow get this done tonight. I promise I promise I promise. Later days!!!

Hey!

So once again, you have my apologies for not updating sooner. I honestly can't remember what I wrote in my last entry, so you'll have to forgive me if I mention things I once wrote. You know how my memory works *smiling guiltily* Hmm... well, let's see now, what to write, what to write. Yesterday I didn't have to work. All this past week I've been waking up at 7 every morning, I find it incredibly annoying because then by 9pm I'm sooo exhausted. So Tuesday night I slept forever, and felt amazing when I woke up Wednesday morning. I didn't do much, Stephen's friend Jeremi came over and they hung out - then left to go somewhere *shrugs*. Joe came to pick me up and we went to ND to see the teachers and guess what! We finally saw Ms. Singh! *grins widely* I knowwwwwwwwww it's only been forever that I've seen her, and after all of our other failed attempts, I was surprised to see her. She was writing the exam for one of her classes, so Joe and I wandered around for a while till school was over.

Let me tell you, ND is no longer the way it was before. *Shakes head* These kids, I don't know what to say about it. I think when we left the school just fell apart. I think if I had to go to high school now, I wouldn't survive. These kids would rip me to shreads before I could get a single word out. But yeah, once class ended, Joe, myself and Ms. Singh were catching up in my old English Classroom. It was ridiculous man. It was my same English room for Grade 10 and 11 *shakes head* the memories started to swarm my head as I was there listening to Joe and Ms. Singh talk. Upon listening to bits and pieces of their conversation, because mostly I was just lost in my own thoughts, I realized - even more so - that Joe is in fact a literary genius. I mean, its bad enough I sing praises about his intelligence to everyone I know, but this kid never ceases to amaze me. Though he still will be applying to Harvard, he really has lost interest because he finds Harvard to be like an institution opposed to a place to further excel your knowledge. I completely forgot his goals of Harvard, it wasn't until Ms. Singh brought it up did I remember Lit. class with his ambitions.

Standing there, beaming as if I were the freaking sun listening to Joe, I was suddenly overwhelmed by my own stupidity. Joe - though he doesn't truly try academically, is a genius. Which is no surprise - especially to me. However, his future holds so many possibilities - there is no failure in his future at all. I stood there thinking of how horrible I did this past year, and how I simply gave up half way through believing that there was no way I could succeed. And while I was there, listening to him, I realized I simply needed to be surrounded by more people like him - to further encourage me to do well. This year, instead of seeing it as simply yet another year at UTM, I can bring up my GPA and wow everyone around me; I too can be a literary genius like Joe. *Pauses* Well, not like Joe - I don't think I'll find anyone else quite as intelligent as Joe - but you know what I mean.

It certainly didn't help with um, Ms. Singh and Mr. Malta complimenting me *turns red*. I don't take well to compliments, I get all embarrassed and have this intense need to run away. But yeah, while talking to Ms. Singh, Mr. Malta walked into the classroom and he told Ms. Singh how he taught me in Grade 11 in that very classroom. And I was like yeahhh I sat at the back right there next to Bart - and it was super awesome. To which he complimented me, which made me want to turn into an ostrich. It didn't help that Joe started up as well, he goes on and on about my note-taking skill *rolls eyes* which really is no skill at all. But instead of - feeling all great and wonderful from these praises, I only felt worse because I really am doing horribly academically. All these people, who actually have faith in me - I'm failing them because I gave up. Being surrounded by people who thought that I would ultimately get nowhere with an English degree, who think that I am a failure for the most part - I eventually succumbed to their thoughts, and so - when I hear these people have faith in me - it shatters me to think of how low I've gone. How much of a failure I truly am. Is it not these English teachers who encouraged me to begin with? Was it not their amazing teaching abilities, their kindness, their belief in me - that made me pursue my education in the English and Literature department? And after all they've done for me, whether they realized it or not, I - failed them. I failed myself.

And after expressing my thoughts to Joe when we left ND, he only further pushed me to do well this upcoming year. I told him that he would have to be my tutor - and help me. That I would indeed have to push aside my fear and my own - consciousness, my pride - to get help. I would have to stop believing that I'm not good enough as the other students, that I'm just as intelligent as they are - if not more. That I have the potential to do well - I simply need to believe it and have the courage to seek help. My thoughts and ideas are well enough, its simply my writing abilities, my communication that sucks. I don't push myself farther than what's required. And - my fear of not being good enough, of being harshly criticized by others - have ruled my life long enough. I think its about time to step up and prove myself, to show everyone that I am indeed an intellect in my own way.

My only fear in this - other than failing *laughing* - is my head becoming so large I lose track of everything. Everyone needs to have faith in themselves to succeed in life. I've had faith in myself, I just don't think I've had enough - and that was the problem. However, I don't want to get to the point where I start thinking - just because my ideas and thoughts are so different or unique than others - that I'm better than them. I've believed all my life that everyone should be equal, and though I am a hypocrite - who isn't. I try my hardest to remain level-headed. No one is better than me, and I'm not better than anyone. I don't want to think that I'm more intelligent than anyone, I don't want to become conceited. Its a huge fear that I have. Its another thing I absolutely adore about Joe - who - let's all say it together now - is a literary genius - but is completely down to earth. The trend that sets if mostly - the more successful you are the more of a conceited jerk you are. So is it better to be successful and conceited - or to be less successful and level-headed? Then again, I suppose it depends on what your definition of success is.

In any case - I'm truly going to try and do well this year. I think I finally have my head on straight, I think I finally know what I want and I think - if I continue to stick with the mindset that I have - I'll be able to achieve my goals. It'll be hard and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be miserable and stressed a majority of the time - but my gosh, I've never been more excited and thrilled at the prospect of starting the school year. I'm going to do well. I'm determined to do well. And I won't let anything or anyone get in my way; I think it's about time I let go of lost causes, of personal problems that stood in the way before, of insecurities that held me back for so long. I need to do this for me, for everyone who's had faith in me all this time and who still continue to have faith in me. I refuse to let anyone down anymore - at least academically *laughing* you can't please everyone in life *rolls eyes*.

*Pauses* Well... that was quite the power trip. Now I'm not sure what to say. I didn't intentionally mean to get on this sort of - rant. In any case, I'm leaving next Saturday o_O I know! It's soooo soon ,I only just realized it this past week that I'm leaving soon. There's still so much I have to do, and yet - nothing to do at all. I think we're set in terms of things we need for there, now its simply a matter of packing and of time and money. *Shudders* God I wish I were rich. But I'm not, so whatever. *Sighs*

On a happier note - tomorrow is Joe's birthday! Happy Birthday Joe! It's your birthday Joe! So, I'm getting together with him and Charles to celebrate. Originally Charles and I were going to go out for lunch - kinda as a - seeing me for the last time before I leave sorta thing - and I invited Joe who was like - but its my birthday! So we turned it into a birthday thingy. *Nods* Should be fun, I wanna get him something though I have no idea what o_O ... he pretty much has everything, and well, its not like I can get him a new guitar which is apparently what he got this year from his sister. But whatever *shrugs* ... After that little outing tomorrow, I have to go visit my dentist - yay. I hate going to the dentist who will only drill away at my teeth and make them acheee.

Oh - I wrote an email to Monika about that - and I mentioned my eye doctor giving me eye drops. I had to order new contacts so I had to book an eye exam - which is a huge pain in the ass but whatever. They did all these tests on my eyes, and the good thing is that while I thought my eyes were getting worse - they're actually pretty much isn't any difference. So I still have the same prescription - yayyyy *dances around*. What? I should be happy - it means I'm not going to blind for a while - and I quite like my eyesight. Though my mom is seriously thinking about having me get that laser eye surgery done. But yeah, anyway my doctor said how my eyes were really dry (I blame that on Fortinos personally - every time I got to work, my contacts dry up and start to bug me massively), so she gave me eye drops that are called "Refresh tears". I thought it was funny - you know, me being given tears especially since I'm not a fan of them to begin with. I used them for the first time today and well, they worked.

Oh - well then... that was a good 5 minute pause - sorry about that. Anita called me, she just realized that I was leaving next Saturday and so she's panicking. Oh Anita, she's a funny girl, a very funny girl. She makes me happy though, and her little random phone calls are the best. I swear they're so totally random *shakes head* but yeah, I think that's about all for now. Sooooooo - later days!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I know I know - you have my deepest sincerest apologies *cringes*. I know I said I would attempt to update every single day, but alas, I've been so busy by the time I get home I'm just too exhausted to do anythinggggggggg. Okie okie, but I shall update you on everythinggg that happened, and everything that's happening now, and things that are going to happen.

Right. So my uncle who was in surgery - he's good. He's great. He's just been released from the hospital, and things are good. He's good. I'm good. All is good. Um, with that being said - I actually have some pretty bad news. My cousin Esther, her father in law passed away this weekend; on Saturday. I was at work, it wasn't until I got home and halfway to Wal-mart with my brother and cousin did we actually hear about it. Needless to say, the family isn't doing too well. Esther's mother-in-law is devastated, and she only wants the company of her two sons. Funeral arrangements - well... there aren't any. Esther's mother-in-law only wants herself and her sons present at the cremation. No one else. The rest of the family's not quite sure what to make of that. It's just a weird, awkward, uncomfortable and unfortunate situation. Stephen, dad and myself are going to leave soon to go see them, to see how they're doing.

*Sighs* In any case... um, all of last week I've just been working. I hung out with the girls for a couple of days, but I haven't seen them since Thursday I believe. I saw Kavi on Friday for Moonie's thing, but haven't seen any of them since. Kayla's leaving tomorrow morning, I tried calling her earlier to come see her but she wasn't home, she was at the dentist. *Sighs then yawns* Goodness, I'm so tired. I've been having troubles sleeping again *rolls eyes* what else is new really. Been waking up close to 7 every morning, I can't help it now, my body just naturally wakes up then. Its quite ridiculous and I get quite upset. It leaves me feeling tired allll day and I tried taking a nap too, but didn't work. I'm quite upset about it. Like right now, I think I'd be able to fall asleep, but I don't want to go to sleep without seeing Esther and the kids, and I wanna talk to Kayla before she leaves.

But yeah. That's pretty much all that's been going on. Went out on Friday night though I really didn't want to. Ended up having an okay time but whatever, I wasn't in the mood. Besides, I just don't like clubs anymore *shrugs* I haven't for a longggggggggg time now *yawns again*. I think I might go make myself a coffee. Yay for caffeine, I swear I would just be a slog sleeping all the time if it weren't for caffeine.

Ou - and my mom really liked her gift that we got her. Yayyyyy. 

Okay I'm going to get my coffee before I die. Later daysssssss

P.S. I promise promise promise to update tomorrow!!!

Hey,

Alright, I know I promised to update last night  before I went to sleep, but yesterday was just a busy day altogether. After departing from Bart and Monika online, I dropped my mom off at work, to which I then waited about 10 minutes for my dad and brother to get home. We didn't leave right away though, we waited till like 3:15 or something for Bobby to come home because he wanted to come with us. And finally we left and made out way to the hospital to see my uncle.

*Sighs* We were there for a while, when we got there we were informed that the surgery went well. He had to get a triple bypass and they were in the process of stitching him back up - so everything went well. So we kinda waited around with the rest of my dad's family, talking to pass the time, getting coffee and whatnot. A few hours later, the doctor came back out and well, told us everything was done and they were moving him to the ICU and stuff like that. So we waited till my Auntie Maria and her kids went to see him, to which when they returned shortly after we left. All went well, uncle Ken was still knocked out and probably would be for the next day or so, but all in all he was fine.

We left, and well, though it sounds horrid to say, I was kinda relieved. It was incredibly awkward being in a room full of my dad's family who don't talk to me. This time, given the situation, things weren't any different either. I was probably spoken to about twice, but in any case, I kept talking to everything - and let Stephen take over after a while. However awkward it was, I was there for moral support and whether or not they realize that is up to them. What angered me though, because it is impossible for me leave their presence without becoming upset, is the fact that they ignored my dad in the same manner that they ignored me. I could really care less if they talk to me or not, I'm no longer bothered by it - however doing it to my dad is an entirely different matter. In any case, I decided to not let it bug me, I didn't want to dwell on anything when there was a larger issue at hand.

Um, around 8 when I got home, Sean came to pick me up and went out to Starbucks by the Chapters. Noor, Sabi, Faiz, Nilu and Bahi ended up joining us and we were kinda just there chit chatting forever. Around 10 we decided we were hungry and headed over to Jack Astors to which we were placed in the Shrine to Elvis - with blinking lights that made me feel like I was going insane. We were there, had our food, chilled out and after we paid I told everyone bye because it was late and I wanted to get home. On the way leaving, I got a call from my mom asking what time I was coming home.

I thought it was odd that she was calling, she usually never does when I tell her I'm going out. I usually leave information and whatever, and by now she's used to me and Sean going out to the movies or for coffee. So - she told proceeded to tell me that the guys went back to the hospital. Kevin, Uncle Ken's son, called them saying that Uncle Ken's body was refusing the blood. It scared me, I swear my heart stopped. Because when we left - they were setting up everything to give him more blood. They needed to give him like 3 units of blood, and I'm pretty sure the human body needs around 6 or something. And they were giving him blood when we left the hospital at 7:30. And it was like, 11:30ish when we were leaving the restaurant - and all this time his body was refusing the blood. They said they were going to do more surgery - to which I was confused about - but whatever.

In any case, by the time I got home, I spoke to my mom who said Kevin called again. They weren't doing any surgery, they gave him some kind of medication. I don't know what kind, what it does or anything like that. But um, apparently it was doing something to help him cause after a while his body slowly started accepting the blood. *Sighs* I waited till the guys came home, which was around 2 or something before going to sleep, and of course, I was haunted in my dreams.

But yes, I actually have to leave for work now. I just wanted to update cause - well... I said I would last night and I didn't, and because I think I needed to get this out. I mean, I told Sean about what was going on, but - yeah... yeah. Anyway, sorry for the rather - lacking in cheerfulness entry, I'll more than make up for it some other time. Until then - later days

Hello again

I unfortunately will not be making this a long entry - though I do promise to update later tonight before I go to bed. I have to leave soon to drop my mom off to work, and then wait for my dad to get home. Upon him getting home, we're off to the hospital - Uncle Ken is having surgery today and apparently the rest of my family decided to tell my dad this yesterday. So. We're going to be seeing him today, though I don't know for how long. In any case, I've been running around all morning with my mom - getting this and that for our trip and whatever. Though I don't actually need anything... I think I'm pretty much set, I just need a few personal items and that's it. We're still trying to figure out what to get for them though; we don't know what they like and stuff like that. So we're brainstorming more or less.

I had to unfortunately cancel my plans today with everyone due to the family emergency. I was supposed to go with Joe and Bart to ND today - but alas that has failed. Like it usually does. I'll just have to go next week and drag Joe along with me or something. I was hoping to see Bart again today though, didn't really get a chance to say goodbye to him the last time I saw him  - it was more like a "see ya later man!" sorta thing you know. *Sighs* But oh well... I guess it won't be the last time I see Bart ever - it better not be! I've already told him we'll go see him wherever it is that he moves to - make a whole big field trip out of it and whatnot. Poor Bart. I hated moving - as if people didn't already know that...  I just hope that he isn't overcome by bitterness like I am.

Okay - well... moving on to other topics - I got my mom her Mother's Day gift yesterday. Bob and I dropped her off to work, then headed over to Canadian Tire to get something for the car, and while he was doing this thing - I was wandering around and whatever. As it turned out, I found this scrapbook thingy for her, though its not really like a scrapbook. There's a few pages in the front to write notes or whatever, then the last few pages are for pictures. And the middle page - it opens and has something nice on it - you know, one of those Mom things written and whatever. I figured whatever man, that works for me. I was contemplating make a scrapbook for her - a family one - but I didn't have the time nor money to make it. The last one I made, the only one I made, was incredibly time consuming and well... it took a lot more money that I expected. But its all good. Besides, I don't know how much of a scrapbook person my mom is. In any case, I figured since I have no idea what to write on the pages, I'm gonna get all of us youngsters to write something.

I've got two pages for each person, though they're not required to write on the entire two pages. But I'm gonna get Sam, Amanda, Randy, Rishi, Andy, Stephen, Damian and Dane write in it - just a quick little note to my mom saying she rocks and she's cool and whatever else they want to put. And that'll be that. I'll write my piece - though I have no idea what I'm going to write yet. This is definitely something I need to think about before writing. My mom and I - well we got that weird love/hate relationship though it leans more on the love side. Maya Angelou actually wrote something about if she had to describe her mom it'd be like a hurricane in its most perfect power - or something like that. It was really nice, and accurate. I think that's pretty much the description for most moms I think.

Anyway, I should go. There's so much I want to write - but not enough time right now. *Sighs* So um, I guess later days then...

Heyyyyyyyyyyy

So... I don't know what it was that I went to bed last night, and actually fell asleep - but oh my goodness did I sleep! It was such an amazing sleep, it was sooo good and I woke up and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. *Yawns* And I've been pretty much been feeling that way since I woke up and got out of bed. What I didn't realize until later was that I woke up close to 12 in the afternoon o_O ... I know! I haven't woken up that late since - *stops and thinks* I can't remember. I think after one of our family parties or something - probably the New Years one or something - I don't know *Shakes head*. Either way, I slept beautifully and I want that kind of sleep all the freaking time man. That's how great it was. Andddd what adds to the fact that it was so great was the lack of nightmares. That's right folks, I did not have a single nightmare last night. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel wonderful. I was getting massively tired of waking up with such scary feelings, and yeah, that's pretty much that.

Moving away from my adoration for sleep, I didn't have to work today. Hence me waking up in the afternoon. And I've been doing nothing since then and loving every minute of it. I wish I could spend the rest of my life doing nothing. Okay, so that may be a lie - but for the time being, doing nothing feels great. I did attempt to clean my room - which got so far as to me cleaning out my dresser. I have two bags full of clothes I'm going to be giving away - and I still have a bed full of clothes I need to put back into my dresser. I don't know how I managed to have that many clothes stuck in something so tiny, but alas, I did it before so I'm convinced I can do it again. Though, I wonder how long this organization will last before it turns into utter chaos again.

I had to drop my mom off to work again; there's something wrong with the car so she left it behind so dad can fix it or whatever. I told them something was wrong with the car - but nope, nobody listened to me. But now they decide something's wrong and they're off to fix it. So long as the car is fixed - then really, I couldn't care less. Ugh, my house is so cold. Sorry - random thought - I hate being cold. Something that never changed over time, my hatred for the cold. We had beautiful weather last week, to which I was working and studying. And now that I'm off of school and work for the next two days - the weather's horrible. Figures huh?

Ou ou ou guess what! Sooooo this Tuesday, the Josh Groban Awake Tour DVD is coming out! Yayayayayayaayayay - its the concert I went to see him in. And of course, I fell even more in love with him when I went to see him - it was just an amazing concert. Though it does rival the other two concerts I went to - in my heart of hearts - gosh, that Josh Groban wins! ... but I think that's probably because he had a whole orchestra there *shrugs* it was really cool. But yes, guess what else is coming out on May 6th??? P.S. I LOVE YOU! :D :D :D Which is only the greatest love story ever - I mean, I love it as much as The Notebook - and I never thought I'd find another movie as sweet as that. But it is! And I'm totally in love with it, or perhaps I should say I'm in love with Gerard Butler *sighs dreamily*. Sorry - I'm allowed to have these girly moments regardless as to what anybody says.

*Sighs* So... I'm not sure what to say now. That was pretty much all I had on my mind today. I've been mostly just dancing around with my music blasting - you know, thats the only way I can survive cleaning. I actually wanna read for a bit, but there's still so much else I have to do *sighs* .... so I'm gonna get to that first. Then hopefully I can read. Or write. It seems I've lost my other story that I was writing, the tale about Snow White *scratches head* I think maybe its on the other computer. I only have about 5 stories on this one, so Stephen's computer probably has that there. I gotta get it and well, start it again. It was one of my better ideas with an actual plot. I might change things around though, my original plot for it seems kinda - well... I don't know, just not as adequate as the one I have now. Though its not much of a change - its just a few little changes. What I need actually, is an editor. So, if there are any editors out there willing to read whats probably going to be the crappiest unfinished story of their life, come find me! :D

Okie dokie kiddies, my duties are calling to me. I'll update again soon - hopefully tomorrow - keep your fingers crossed. I have a tendency to get lazy and then, you know, not update. So later days!

Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing, and running in circles
Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand
And lead me

Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand
And lead me

Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down

O_O

Wow, three days in a row. I must say, that's gotta be a record or something for most public updates from me. Although I did get used to writing before I left for work, I started work early today so my entry had to wait till a little bit later tonight. First and foremost, you'll have to excuse me for my horrible grammar and spelling and simply - good luck trying to make sense of anything. I'm completely overwhelmed with tiredness at the moment - I think my shower is what killed me.

What was supposed to be an early night last night, ended up being a late night. I ended up watching more of Californication which I absolutely adore - though some parts are undoubtedly - uh - well... they're definitely for a mature audience. In any case, I was reading as well, a whole bunch of my fictonpress peeps had new chapters up so I was reading up on those. Most surprisingly, and the best part of my night, were my conversations with Bart and Monika - which really was the main reason why I ended up going to bed so late. Though Bart later left me to play games with Joe (I forgive you Bart, always :D *laughing*)  Monika and I continued to talk for a while. She checked LJ as well, though at first they wouldn't let her in or something retarded like that. The internet is one big mess, a glorious mess that we cannot live without it appears. *Stops and thinks* Come to think of it, how was it I managed to survive in Trinidad for a month without internet before? Right right, Dane had internet at his place, and internet cafes where I checked occasionally.

In any case, it was nice chit chatting with both - made my night enjoyable in any case. However, when I got offline sometime this morning and attempted to sleep, my thoughts wouldn't leave me alone. I find at night, after my day is done, my thoughts are so reflective and clear; I'm somehow showered with some sort of enlightenment... and it leaves me with so many questions and revelations. Little stupid things that somehow seem to mystify me. And yet, when I wake up in the morning its all gone and forgotten. Unfortunately. I do believe those thoughts are the ones I should be sharing - not these retarded rambling ones.

In any case, woke up super early this morning for fear of sleeping in - which has happened before let me tell you. Nothing better than sleeping in when you have class *grins*. Work was ridiculously boring, I had no idea what to do. Half the time I wandered aimlessly trying not to yawn and find customers. Once work was done, I drove over to see Bart - to which we decided to get food cause we were both so hungry. To which we then decided to meet up with Charles and Joe at Pizza Pizza near Charles' house since we were heading in that direction anyway. To which we then ordered food (which Bart paid for *glares* when its really us who should be paying for him since he's the one going away), and waited patiently - or impatiently - for it while nibbling on my oreo cookies. To which we took the food over to Charles' place. OMG Charles has the most adorable puppy known to mankind! I'm not even joking. I mean, of course I love and adore Sandy - she's the puppy I never had - I love her to pieces. But my goodness, Charles' little puppy, I want to keep her! She doesn't bark, she just gets all excited - to the point where she had a little accident on the floor - but she just loves to be pampered, she's so spoiled but soooo cute! I want her!

Anyway. I left shortly after, having to be home relatively early. I had planned on going to see Auntie Judy too, but I was just so tired when I got home and after I showered. *Sighs* I still am... I'm soooo tired, its taking all of my energy to simply not fall asleep right now. I decided, if I did fall asleep, it would not happen before I updated - seeing as to how I now have a purpose for updating. Whoa, that seemed confusing for some reason. *Sighs* Its a shame I have to go pick up my mom at 11 or I probably would've just dozed off somewhere. Oh well, I'll just sleep when I get home.

There's so much I need to do tomorrow - like clean out my room. It's disgustingly tiny and just plain disgusting. I gotta empty out my drawers and get rid of my papers and books and whatever else I have lying around here. The place is a mess. I've been purposely prolonging it cause my mom keeps bugging me to clean it up. Personally its not that hideous, but I do like to keep the place clean. But with her constant nagging, I simply refuse to do anything. That's right, I have my rebellious teenage moments. I wanted to kinda change things up this summer in terms of my room. I had a couple different ideas, most of which consisted moving my bed around and getting rid of my dresser and simply making more space. A little bit more painting as well. A few shelves, and a lot more pictures. But with this trip to Europe, I might not have any time to do anything, nor money.

I keep forgetting I have to buy a dress for Rish's wedding. I still can't believe he's getting married. I still have to work on a speech - its killing me man. I mean, I know myself - I'm gonna start bawling when I start my stupid idiotic speech at his wedding. I've begged him, begged him to not let me say a speech, but he's so damn adamant about everything. I don't want to go too sentimental cause I'll become teary and my make up will be ruined and people might get bored cause are, only Stephen, Andy, Rish and myself will know what I'm talking about. But I don't want to be overly passive and dismissive of it. Its so hard to find the inbetween - my brother's really good at the speech making. Not me. I don't do well speaking in front of crowds. Public speaking - another thing that adds to my anxiety. Either way I know I'll end up bawling, I better remind myself to have a packet of tissues handy.

Gosh ... its only 8. My eyes are slowly drooping down. I'm amazed I typed half of this with my eyes closed ahahaha. Thank God I was a nerd growing up, more interested in learning to type than play those games on the computer. Mavis Beacon was a bitch, but she still helped me learn to type on some level. oh oh - and Bart and Joe and I are all going to ND on Friday - I can't wait. Its gonna be so much fun I can't wait to see Ms. Singh. There's so much I have to tell her, so much I want to tell her. You know, Monika and I still never got that picture from prom of us with her - I should ask her about that.

In any case children, nothing insightful in this entry. Perhaps tomorrow's entry will be more fulfilling or something; today's is simply a blah kinda day. Let me get my rest and then we'll talk profound, insightful, reflective stuff alrighty? Awesomeeeeee, glad you see it that way - not that you really had a choice to begin with. Okay then kiddies, till tomorrowwwwww

Soooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm back! I know, I'm quite amazed as well, two entries in two days??? Who would've thought, certainly not me. Not with my habit to update once every blue moon - or possibly less than that. But, here I am, with another meaningless entry for you to read and ponder over. Or perhaps not ponder over because its meaningless. I'm working around in circles and making myself dizzy. Are you pondering what I'm pondering Pinky? Sorry - these are the random thoughts that enter my mind *Sighs* I think I'm in some desperate need of sleep or just - to be brain dead. In all honesty, I haven't been sleeping well, well, I usually never do. But its my bed - I had to give up my nice big comfy one to my parents because I got stuck with the smallest, shittiest room in this pathetic house. And so, I get the small little rejected bed again, and the mattress is killing my back. No seriously, my back is in the most pain its been in since Christmas when I got so sick I couldn't move.

Geez... that paragraph is just packed with stuff. No structure at all, again another thing that lacks in my essays. Sorry, I know I constantly refer back to my writing in relation to essays and stuff, but well, it can't be helped. Not when I've been writing essays for the past 4 years of my life, not counting high school of course *grins*. Gosh, I wish I had a brain like Joe's - that kid is like a super wiz, his essays are crazy incredible. I read through his proposal for our Fiction class, and o_O ... that's how I knew I was going to fail the class. Fiction Demon Woman (aka Professor Buurma) hasn't put up marks yet... which I'm partially relieved about, and which I'm partially going insane about. I'm being very serious when I say that there's a very good chance, like a 90% chance that I'm going to fail that class. *Sighs* This is what happens when you slack off and hate your class. And the professor teaching that class.

Moving on though, lets get away from the depressing thoughts of school... I have less than a month before I leave for Europe. That's right, for those of you who don't know - I'm leaving for Europe on May 24th and coming back on the 1st of July. True, I will be missing my 3 year anniversary with Sean,  but he's being really cool about it. Where in Europe will I be heading? Why, to Portugal of course because we've found the Marques family *grinning like an idiot*. That's right, after 13 years, we found our landlords of the house we lived in downtown, who were more like family than actual family. Stephen found them online - goodness knows how many girls he searched through to find Luisa, Helena and Isabel, but he found them. And upon finding them, Stephen and I are going to see them. It's crazy actually, we keep saying that we're going to see them, but it seems so surreal - we don't believe it just yet.

There's quite a bit of shopping we have to do before we leave. Actually, I have no money to go shopping, but you know *shrugs* I do need to stock up on personal items - like contacts, and solution, and toothpaste, and cream, and shampoo - yes yes I know, I'm paranoid. But that's what you get when you grow up with in a brown household. My mom's teaching me to cook so I can cook for them when I'm there - and well, cooking lessons are going slowly. Mostly because I had exams before, and now because I'm working whenever she's home, and when I'm home she's working. Quite difficult. But it'll happen, I'm determined to become a great cook just so I can feed my Portuguese family who loves our food *nods*.

In any case... I'm not quite sure what to write now. I had so many ideas this morning when I woke up, but alas, with my horrible memory which really haven't gotten any better over the years, its impossible for me to remember them. Hmmmm... what to write, what to write. I actually have two books sitting on my night table, I've been dying to get to them - but I find myself in a constant state of blah whenever I get home from work... and instead of doing what I want to do the most, I instead just sit at my computer playing solitaire with Sean going through the thoughts in my mind. I still can't figure out what to do with anything.

My dreams are still plagued with a realness of situations that could occur and hence, my nightmares leave me horrified when I wake up. I much prefer my movie like nightmares. Damn Freud, the overly chauvinistic sex maniac whom I can't stand, he has his damn theories which prove to be right every so often. I hate him. No I don't, but you knowwwwww. I've had quite a bit of nightmares where I'm being chased by zombies or creatures of dead who want to eat me or kill me - and its quite exciting though terrifying. I know, I'm so weird. But I mean, I've been having dreams for as long as I remember, my first one back when I was - I don't even know... it was me being at my elementary school, Brock Public School, and a t-rex came and ate my parents. Yes, these are my dreams. Sean's constantly referring to me as Martin Luther King Jr. with my  whole "I Have a Dream" thing *rolls eyes*.

So... instead of mulling over thoughts that are simply going over and over in my head with no solution appearing, I'm deciding to do what I do best. Push them aside and focus on how to keep myself happy. Cause really now, my thoughts are sometimes downright depressing. And though the weather has gotten crappy again, that's okay. I no longer have school for 4 months, I'm off to Europe, and I'd much rather be happy and enjoy the time I have instead of worrying over stuff that I'll never come up with an answer to. Now, the problem is brainstorming things I could do in the meantime.

My fingers itch to write - hence me going on and on in this entry about gosh knows what. I want to write my stories again, I mean there are about 3 I've barely begun from ages ago that have an actual plot. But the other million I have are just ideas, taken from my messed up dreams of course, and just - they're there. If anything, I've been discouraged when it comes to writing - because my ideas are probably as unoriginal as the other 30128025 million that all the other writers have. What I am seriously considering though, is an idea Joe came up with - something of an autobiography. We were discussing this while we were studying for Canadian Lit. at Tims, and well, its a pretty good idea. I mean, I don't know how many other people have lived life similar to me - which would be half the population. But... it'll be so tough, and I have to come up with an underlying theme or plot or something instead of just writing - which is what I'm best at. Just rambling on and on - as you can clearly tell *grins*.

*Pauses* ... I wonder, do people become conceited when they write about themselves all the time? I mean, that's the point of livejournal, to write about your day and yourself and everything that's happened to you, your thoughts and your emotions. Don't they get tired of it? Do they become conceited? Does writing all the time make people more intellectual and more practiced in their writing style? Or is writing simply a means of doing something? Of letting out anger and frustration and used as therapeutic way to help deal with things?

Lord knows I'm conceited and selfish enough as it is... so I certainly hope writing constantly in LJ will further add to that. And Lord knows that I find writing more therapeutic than anything; I get to express myself more and not worry if anyone will understand because half the time when you try to explain things to people, you don't explain things the way you would like to. If anything, you end up saying something that doesn't even remotely explain how you're feeling, and then left with the other person to judge you - whether either of you realize it. Goodness, what am I going on about?

I think I've written enough for today. I'm just gonna go and eat - again. Mom made macaroni pie and it tastes wonderful, so I'm gonna go get some more. In any case, later daysssssss

Greetings one and all

It appears that I'm back - yet again - this time in thanks to Bart. Yup, that's right; Bart, the first friend I made when I moved to Brampton unwillingly. Surprisingly the kid still talks to me, though why he does is beyond my reasoning. In any case, I remember one of the past conversations we had, he mentioned something about how I should have a blog and I was like meh. And then I remembered I had this thing here, and I figured you know what, though I've tried a million times before to keep this a public sorta thing - I keep going back to private entries.

But alas, I feel I now have a purpose for writing in this thing over than to mull over my terrible sadness or anger that ensues after I'm faced with horrible days. Like yesterday for example, I had a horribly nasty day in which I wanted to murder half the customers who apparently decided I own Fortinos and should therefore yell at me while I attempted to help them. Lovely people. 

In any case, it's summer yet again - which is when most of my entries are posted because I no longer have school for another 4 months! Yay! I finished my last exam last Wednesday and now I patiently await marks - and try to ignore the butterflies that continuously grow in my stomach as I wait. I will totally admit to being the worst bum in the world this year, I did absolutely nothing in terms of work and reading and stuff. It's pretty bad when I think about it because, well, the only other time I slacked off this much was in Grade 12 *shudders*. 

Speaking of Grade 12 and the high school era, I visited ND last week with Joe. We were studying for our Canadian Lit exam, and he asked if I wanted to pass by and see Ms. Singh and of course, I was estactic. After wandering around all entrances in attempt to find an open door, we finally got in and went wandering around - and talk about a trip down memory lane. *Grinning* It was great, I mean - I'm so glad I'm out of high school cause there was just so much unnecessary drama that went on there, but gosh were there some great amazing times. Joe's right (though in my opinion Joe's always right), the atmosphere for high school was just so much better than it is for University. Unversity actually allows you to grow, and I think in high school, you're still so naive about everything, more willing to do whatever you can to hold on to everything. Change isn't an option, because you get that safety you don't ever want to leave. 

Personally, I love University. High school - I loved and gosh, it just holds so many memories and it was a great time for everyone and its nice to think back on those days. But I think it was when I started University that my life changed drastically - for the better I think in most aspects. I became so much more aware of the world, of people. And of course, who I was. I did so much soul searching over the past 4 years, trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. I made new friends, I lost old ones - which still burn my heart when I think about it. And well, being typical me, I just try to put it all in the back of my head until the next time it comes up and I get that familiar burn. 

Which leads me onto my next subject - and yes, there's quite a bit I would like to write about *laughing*. I woke up this morning and I heard the rain against my window. Its probably only one of the few times where I have heard the rain in this new house (though we've been living in it for a year now I still consider it new). At my old house in my old room, I heard whenever it rained, I could hear it on my roof and against my window - and I absolutely adore te sound of rain. Gloomy weather is pretty much my time to sit on my bed with a cup of hot chocolate (or tea) and read a book, its my cozy gloomy weather. And it always bugged me that I couldn't hear the rain in this room... So, when I woke up this morning and heard the rain, I knew it would be one of those days that I'd just - fall into this calm, reflective modes in which I try to drain away my anger and sadness, and try extra hard to focus on the good. 

Sorry, got a bit off topic with my explanation for my mood and this entry and all that jazz. But yes, my next subject being that of the loss of my friends. For the most part, I do truly believe its my fault and not theirs. With some of my other friends, of course there's the problem of going to different schools and meeting new people and everyone living their own life. I remember Shaun Singh and how I adored him, and I still do. I met him in grade 11, and much more quickly than I thought, he soon became somewhat of an older brother to me. It was crazy how well we got along, and how intelligent he was when it came to giving me advice and his uncanny insight to predict how things would go if I went one way or the other. He and I no longer talk that much unfortunately, we'll have the random conversation every so often, and though we aren't close anymore - it doesn' t bug me all that much. I think on some level, I knew he was just one of those people that come into your life, changes it, gets you to see a side of you and the world you never knew existed, and then takes his leave. It sounds incredibly cliched, but that's just how he is, and he doesn't mean no harm when he leaves. There aren't any hard feelings, and though I do feel sad when we end onf our random conversations, as I mentioned before, I'm not all that bothered. And that's how I feel about a majority of my friends.

To be honest, when Monika and Bart became super cool friends, I was kinda like - hmmm... but Bart was my friend too! Why is he just suddenly Monika's? Which sounds incredibly selfish, but hey - I'm not saint. In fact, regardless as to what a majority of my friends say, I'm probably one of the most selfish people I know... and well, though its not something I hide, it isn't something I say to get sympathy or have people try and tell me otherwise. I know I'm selfish, and though I do try to change that, I can't help it. It comes from being neglected as a child while I was growing up *laughing silently*. In any case, I find its like that with the people I had a more close connection with - though it sounds strange cause I did have a close connection with Shaun... but like I said, Shaun's just one of those people. People like Bart and Charles, my first friends at ND - I think I'm more protective over them cause they were the first people I actually attempted to be friends with and though it doesn't seem like much now (or then probably)... it was such an effort to be friends with anyone back then cause I really wasn't looking for friends. I didn't want any. I was moved unwillingly from where  I thought was my home, and so having those two as my friends is what really started me off in high school. Its mostly because of them that I began to open up to Monika, Kavisha, Kayla and the rest of my friends in high school.

Perhaps I'm giving this too much significance. Or perhaps not enough. I tend to ramble and stray away from what I mean to say - my profs say so all the time in my essays. As of late, I've been talking more to both Charles and Bart, and it's a great feeling - knowing that after 4 years of barely talking to each other, I can still talk to them and chit chat iwth them about gosh knows what. Its nice that they remember me, and that they make an effort to talk to me - which only further encourages me to talk to them. I mean... I'd love to stay their friend, however I'm not as naive as before to think that we'll magically remain friends for the rest of my life. However, I do realize that these kids are actually really amazing - and they don't judge me at all. And because they truly are good people, Bart, Charles, Joe - and gosh knows how many more - I'm more than willing to try and keep their friendships.

And alas... now that that's been said and done... I have to move onto the familiar burn. *Sighs* My dreams have been haunting me, and not in the regular movie nightmare way either. There aren't any supernatural ghosts or demons or zombies coming after me. No, these nightmares are much more scary, much more realistic and keep me haunted while I'm awake. I dream of moments where I'm with my friends and they no longer talk to me, and ignore my presence and so I'm simply there, walking around observing them while they're there having fun. I can't begin to explain the hurt and torment at the fact that I no longer have my girls with me by my side. I don't think many people can actually - and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

As I've mentioned before, I take responsibility for the way things have gotten, though not entirely. It appears that in wanting and needing time for myself, I've pushed away the people who held me together during high school and my first years of university. My friends, who were my strength and my light when my world was crashing into darkness, has now left me after I left them first. Though I gave no explanation other than wanting to be by myself, it turned into simply slipping away from each other. And now, we're here at this point, where we're simly aquaintances and whether or not that is enough for me, that is what I will take. I understand its my fault mostly, and I don't necessarily expect things to go back to the way they were, however - I think what they failed to understand was that while I wanted and needed time for myself... I never actually stopped wanting them or needing them. 

In a sense, Sameera and Noreen opened up that world to me in which friendship can become your sanity; that friends are there to help you and that if you don't take care of them - they wont' take care of you. When we parted ways, I was bitter and resented them for not thinking I was good enough to be their friends. However, it was also me thinking that we were strong enough to not need to keep in touch all the time. After clearning things up with both girls, I realized that misunderstandings happen and that you have to work for what you want. 

Alas, I made the same mistake again. Possibly in a more hurtful manner than originally.... In my need to get away and seclude myself for a while, I thought my friends would be able to deal wtih it. I thought, after how many years of friendship, they'd understand that I just needed time by myself. And that when I was ready again, once I was healed, that I'd be able to hang out with them again and explain it to them. Explain the hurt, explain why I needed to be by myself, explain to them why it was that I alone could be the one to heal me, and not them. Perhaps it was me expecting too much from them, and perhaps I needed to give them more than that. They knew the move was rough one me, or did they? They knew it would affect me and my family, that it'd tear me apart from my family - or did they? It was my fault for tno explaining it to them... and partly their fault for not understanding. But I digress. We're here where we are now.

And the thing is, should I continue to try though I'm so afraid and already hurting? Should I even bother to take the risk when they clearly don't care anymore? I'm left in a state of confusion half the time, of such vulnerability that - its not something I'm used to. I've been raised to be the strong one, to never fall short of anyone and to maintain my posture and self control no matter what. And yet, in my moments of absolute weakness in which all I want to do is go over and see each of them and hug them and cry - that I fear they will simply mock and ridicule me. That they truy believe we can never be friends again because I've truly hurt them the way I have. It is my fear that keeps me away, because despite all these years of friendship, when I needed them to understand they couldn't. And when they needed me to help them understand, I couldn't explain it to them. So what's left to do?

Anddddddddd now I have to leave for work. So on that note, I think the sun's coming out - though I really was enjoying the gloomy weather for once. Pathetic fallacy at its very best ladies and gents. Until tomorrow - or later tonight - seeing as to how I'm determined to keep writing... later days!

Greetings one and all

I realize its only been forever since my last update... actually, that's a lie. I've updated more private entries in the past month than I have all year. I haven't made any public or friends entries in forever. Well, if its one thing I've realized over this past summer is the fact that I have in fact, returned to the 10th Grader I once was, full of secrets and thoughts that I'm not sure I'm ready to share with people. I'm not so sure my thoughts are ready to be displayed on public just yet, even it is to my friends... I guess my thoughts have become more - dark, cenetered, critical, depressing, insightful and utterly complex. God *shakes head* sometimes I just sit and write and write, just random stream of consciousness without even realizing what it is that I'm writing - Homer would be undoubtedly proud. Its become more therapeutic than I originally thought. In fact, these private entries is pretty much what kept me sane throughtout my lonesome depression.

Well... I finally decided I've got to put more effort into public entries, and so, I am trying. I'll try to update weekly, depending on how busy I get. Lately i've been super busy - with the exception of today. Moni hooked me up with  job at Fortinos. one that I'm terrified of. I get butterflies in my tummy before I start work, nervousness working to the maximum extent. I'm more so terrified of screwing up massively to the point where my bosses' hate me and blame Monika for hiring such a klutz. Oh well. I suppose with time things will change. They better. 

There's also school - which has become increasingly difficult this past year. Actually, probably not. I slacked off so much second semester during third year, so that now that I'm actually working, putting the effort in to get things done on time, get my readings done, and attempt to do so with achieving decent marks... *shakes head* it just takes a lot out of a person. Sleep is something that has become lacking and forbidden, making it all the more lustful I suppose. If its not insomnia I suffer from, its the want and desire to sleep but can't because I have to stay away to get things done. Which is what's gonna happen tonight I believe. Wish me luck my fellow friends, that I finish this year in one piece! :D

I had a midterm yesterday, I can't for the life of me, tell you how it went or anything. It was all a blur. I managed to get in a good 3-4 hours of sleep before school; I got to school and got through all my classes. My evil demonic Fiction professor made us all analyze a passage in the book, and then present it in front of the class. You could imagine the anxiety attack I had! I was ready to sit on the floor and start hyperventaliting... *nods* I was not pleased to say the least. After my midterm, I was planning on heading home to pass out, because I was suffering insanely from a migrane and felt weak from lack of food. 

Instead, I found myself at Square One with my brother, who came to pick me up. We went to Marciano's to change the jeans he got me... he got me a pair of skinny jeans which I don't like... but alas, there was nothing in the store that I was willing to get so I stuck with the jeans. Luckily for me I'm too skinny, so the jeans don't look all that hideous on me - I hope o_O ... now its whether or not I'll get the chance to actually wear them. We ended up walking around a bit, my brother wanting to see hoodies and shoes, and I ended up in the book store. *Sighs defeatedly* ... you cannot blame me! reading all these texts and books, with nothing of actual interest to me, I was craving for a good book that I hadn't read before. Cravinggggggggggg. So I entered the store with the sole purpose of simply finding out if they sold the book I was looking for. I had originally wanted to get it at Chapters over the weekend, but I couldn't for some reason or the other. I stepped into Coles, and I found it. And then, to my complete and utter surprise, they had the second and third book to the series - and I all but giggled in childish glee. 

I didn't buy all three books, but gosh, was I tempted to. I only bought the first book, Twilight, that was for $11.99 which I think is an insanely cheap price for such a good book. I mean, its not a literary presentation of intelligence and enlightenment... its a light, cheesy, fantasy book which I finished in a span of a 5 hours. I would have finished sooner, but I kept on getting interrupted. I had heard of this book from one of my fictionnet buddies, and well, I had been dying to get a hold of it and read it... but simply didn't have the money nor time. We left the mall almost immediately after, and I swear the only thing I wanted to do was read the damn book. Alas, I couldn't.

The moment I got home, there were a million things that had to be done. My dad bought a bookshelf for the basement so I could put all my books down there. So he and I had set it up, and I had to organize my books, and get rid of the boxes in the basement. He wants it looking more presentable, seeing as to how we now have a pool table down there. By the time I had finished everything, it was after 10. So I plopped myself in my bed, fixed my pillows so my back didn't hurt as much (yes, my back is still injured, I don't know how to fix it, bloody back) and well, I simply read up until 12 when my mom came home. Then I went downstairs, watched two episodes of That 70s Show with her, before returning upstairs and finished the book a little after 3. I was exhausted, but the book was simply so good I couldn't put it down.

 Luckily for me I didn't have to work today, so I slept in till 11. Oh it was blissful. I um, had a weird dream. Of the apartment. My family was there, and for some reason, the apartment was being attacked or something, so we had to pack up everything because we were moving away - moving somewhere far where we'd be safe. And we went through so many of our old things, things that we no longer have now, but things that I seemed to remember very clearly. And before leaving, I made sure I watched out the window to remember the view of the home I had lived in for thee past 5 years, the home I tried but couldn't get away from. It was odd. Yet, I completely analyzed it to my liking, and well I'd rather not get into it at the moment. It was just too queer. 

Anyway, that's been my day. I've been itching to go buy the other two books, but I'm kind already in money troubles as it is. And the other two books at $21.99 each, which isn't exactly cheap. I could afford it, its simply that I have to pay for so many other things, I can't afford to spend any more money on unnecessary things. Oh well. After I pay off everything I need to, then I'll go buy the second book, and then the third book. Or maybe I'll get them for myself as Christmas Presents. 

*sighs* God... presents... I still have to get presents for Tena and Kayla. At least for Moni and Kavi I knew what I was getting; but these two, I have noooooooo idea. Anyway, I'm gonna grab something to eat, seeing as to how I spent way too much time on LJ to begin with - ahahha - the irony... but yeah, I will try my very hardest to update every week... if not - feel free to remind me! :D

Later daysssss

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Guess what?

My cousin Bobby is here!!!!!!! :D :D :D

My grandma's here too! ANDDDDDDDD She cut her hair! She looks so cute and adorable, I wanna just hug her to pieces, but she's too tiny...

Anyway i gotta go keep him company, later dayss

Thoroughly annoyed is more like it... 

*Sighs*

Okay, so explain to me why I've wasted my entire night? I was in bed by 9 and I have been lying down in bed in the dark, hoping, attempting to fall asleep. Butttttt - it just didn't happen. Not at all! Its 11:45 now - ughhhhhhhhhh

*sighs* 

I hate my insomnia...

Greetings one and all

I have returned, specifically for you of course, to share the eventfully boring aspects of my life... although I admit there are moments where it isn't as boring as I make it out to be. It seems many a day has passed by since my last entry, and not too much has occured I don't think... Ummmmm well lets see... after I met up with Sameera - I haven't been doing much. I got to hang out with the girls, and of course with Sean, all of which has been great and very entertaining of course. 

The heat has been getting to me I think; I've been going for walks lately... for which I blame Sean and Kayla. Sean and his love for walking (he used to walk everyyyyyywhere) has apparently rubbed off on me... as well as Kayla's cottage. I think being at her cottage, being outside for a majority of the time - I think I enjoyed it a great deal more than I originally thought. I mean, minus all the mud and me having this fear of falling in the little river of water that we had to cross - or into the little waterfall - I think I very much liked being outside. As I've said before, it also reminded me of Trinidad - back home we're always outside. I find myself missing Kayla's cottage with such a yearning, I don't know... *bites lip* I miss being outside and I miss the stars. Can't see shit here in Brampton *glares*. 

In any case, since the cottage, I find myself wanting to be out more. And so... that's what I've been doing. I've been sitting outside, going for walks, just trying to get out of the house as much as I possibly can. I do love being in my room, that much I will admit; I've been in my room, listening to music and catching up on my Harry Potter reading (for the 7th book... *resisting urge to jump up and down*). And as much as I love being inside, being able to do what I love - I want to be outside just as much. There's no winning I don't think. 

I've been waiting for the thunderstorm which has been promised to us days ago. Yesterday I had my window open (as it always is now... perks of having the smallest bedroom in the house - it's always warm, perhaps too warm) when it just started to rain lightly. I've always loved to hear the sound of rain - and unfortunately, becuase of where my room is in this pathetic house, I cannot hear it - not unless I have the window open. Which I don't mind, except I don't want everything that I have in my room getting wet ... see the problem? Especially since my desk is right next to the window... 

They said it was going to thunderstorm today as well - it was supposed to happen yesterday but that didn't happen, only light showers. And although the sky is covered with clouds, the sun is peaking out every so often - so i wonder if it's going to clear up. I hope not. I've been waiting for this thunderstorm for quite some time. I remember back when I was really tiny, telling Rishi and Dane (Dane when I saw him during one of our vacations back home) about how much I was afraid of thunderstorms... now I find them utterly calming. Huge change in perspective there, huh? They still are alarming, I always fear I'm gonna get struck by lightening for wearing jewellery - but I still think its calming. Oh no... I can see actual white fluffy clouds *Sighs* guess that means no rain for today!

Anyway, my 2 year anniversary was sometime last week, and yes, it was a bit... o_O cause well... 2 years is a long time. I'm surprised Sean and I haven't murdered each other - although I think we may have gotten quite close to it. It was nice though; I saw him on Saturday, he picked me up - and oh the drama. I had to help my mom cook before I could leave, so I asked if Sean could come and wait - and she said sure. So while I was in the shower - he arrived and I guess things went well. Knowing my mother, she has a tendency to put on her "politeness act" *rolls eyes* either way I think things went well. 

Up until she tried to dress me; she told me to wear this white skirt she got for me from Bluenotes last summer - and if you know me, I usually wear skorts a not skirts. So I put that on, and while she was complaining about my top - she raised my tank top up and - yes, you've guessed right. She saw my tattoo and took it rather coldly but I wouldn't have expected anything less from her. She didn't cause a big scene cause well, we had a guest downstairs, but I'm still waiting for it. She has yet to tell my dad - cause he's still talking to me at the moment *laughing* but she's resolved to not talk to any of us at the moment *shrugs*. She'll come off of it at some point in time, who knows. I'm not half as bothered as I thought I'd be. 

So yes, after that we left and it was nice, we just hung out. We went out for a walk too; yes yes, I know first my addiction to the stars, now for walks... *shrugs* get used to it :P it was nice, I got a little tour of where he used to go to school and what trees he planted *laughing*. We exchanged stories, I told him about my first year of high school at Garneau and the valley right next to the school so we did the same thing. And my tree planting story wtih Shumaila where we planted trees for Geography and we named ours Ash after Ash Redfern in a LJ Smith novel. Oh yes, I told him about my obession with LJ Smith and how I can't find any of her books. He actually went and bought me the first book of the Secret Circle Series *grinning like an idiot* oh yes, I just about had a heart attack and I would've screamed if it were possible. Sameera actually has the entire series - which I learned of not too long ago. Me? Glowing green with envy? Of course not! ... alright I lie but know this, green is after all my color so at least I don't look like a total idiot :D 

Ughhhhhhh I am still without a job and it is driving me insaneeeee ... *Sighs* I'm thinking maybe its time for me to depart to Barrie for my anual week vacation. I was supposed to go to Wonderland with them last week, but they cancelled plans due to my brother and Kelsey's inability to skip school *laughing* can you imagine? I wish my parents would've taken me out of school to go Wonderland! But yeah, they cancelled plans - so possibly later in the summer. Oh - and I have the boat cruise is coming up next month - the exact weekend that Kayla apparently has plans for. I can't wait though, my family from the States is supposed to be coming up soooooooo :D :D :D party party party!!! 

Alright, well I think that's quite enough for today, don't you kiddies? Well ... cross your fingers for me that a thunderstorm will occur tonight before I pass out!

Later dayssss

Damn...